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Actual for You - We Have to Talk: A Step-By-Step Checklist for Difficult Conversations
Recently I was talking with Fred, a new manager, who said he couldn't win for losing. When he delegated and checked up, his employees would get annoyed, stubborn, and resistant, claiming he was micro-managing. If I don't check, he said, they don't do it. In either case, I'm not getting what I need, and what our clients need. Clients are complaining and my manager thinks I'm not producing.When we looked at a specific example, the problem started to get real clear.Upper management had asked for an upgrade for an existing service. They wanted additional features, requiring new technology. The technology was common in the industry, and should have been easily implemented. Implementation was slated for the end of the quarter, an easy 3 month project.In the past, Fred would have delegated it to the appropriate junior employee, then checked in regularly, like a couple of times a week, to see if it was done. His employees were understandably annoyed. They hadn't had time to source a vendor, let alone implement any changes before he was asking if they had finished.So, this time, Fred delegated the task to Grant, told him
Step #4: Problem-Solving
Now you’re ready to begin building solutions. Brainstorming and continued inquiry are useful here. Ask your opponent/partner what he thinks might work. Whatever he says, find something you like and build on it. If the conversation becomes adversarial, go back to inquiry. Asking for the other’s point of view usually creates safety and encourages him to engage. If you’ve been successful in centering, adjusting your attitude, and engaging with inquiry and useful purpose, building sustainable solutions will be easy.
The art of conversation is like any art–with continued practice you acquire skill and ease. Here are some additional hints:
• A successful outcome will depend on two things: how you are and what you say. How you are (centered, suppo
You struggle through the day, dealing with multiple tasks, answering phones, needing to be on top of every detail of your demanding job. And then you go home drained, throw a Lean Cuisine into the microwave, flop down on the couch and eat supper in front of a "Law and Order" rerun.Maybe you're in the wrong job. Here are some warning signs:1. Your coworkers file quietly into the office at ten minutes of eight. They deposit their Starbucks cups on the desk, open their Day Planners, and silently get to work. Meanwhile, you're in the doorway of the employee's lounge, gazing down the corridor, thinking how the industrial carpeting on the floor would be perfect for Rollerblading.Rigid structure is not your bag. You need work that provides some freedom of movement, some scheduling flexibility. If you're actually coordinated enough to Rollerblade without ending up in a cast, you might consider being a trainer at the local gym. If not, sales or customer service that requires travel to clients' worksites would allow you to schedule your own day and enjoy being on the road as you make your way to your various appointments.2. The vice president in charge of finance
There are dozens of books on the topic of difficult, crucial, challenging, important (you get the idea) conversations (I list several at the end of this article). Those times when you know you should talk to someone, but you don’t. Maybe you’ve tried and it went badly. Or maybe you fear that talking will only make the situation worse. Still, there’s a feeling of being stuck, and you’d like to free up that stuck energy for more useful purposes.
What you have here is a brief synopsis of best practice strategies: a checklist of action items to think about before going into the conversation; some useful concepts to practice during the conversation; and some tips and suggestions to help your energy stay focused and flowing, including possible conversation openings.
You’ll notice one key theme throughout: you have more power than you think.
Before going into the conversation, ask yourself some questions:
1. What is your purpose for having the conversation? What do you hope to accomplish? What would be an ideal outcome? Watch for hidden purposes. You may think you have honorable goals, like educating an employee or increasing connection with your teen, only to notice that your language is excessively critical or condescending. You think you want to support, but you end up punishing. Some purposes are more useful than others. Work on yourself so that you enter the conversation with a supportive purpose.
2. What assumptions are you making about this person’s intentions? You may feel intimidated, belittled, ignored, disrespected, or marginalized, but be cautious about assuming that this was the speaker's intention. Impact does not necessarily equal intent.
3. What “buttons” of yours are being pushed? Are you more emotional than the situation warrants? Take a look at your “backstory,” as they say in the movies. What personal history is being triggered? You may still have the conversation, but you’ll go into it knowing that some of the heightened emotional state has to do with you.
4. How is your attitude toward the conversation influencing your perception of it? If you think this is going to be horribly difficult, it probably will be. If you truly believe that whatever happens, some good will come of it, that will likely be the case. Try to adjust your attitude for maximum effectiveness.
5. Who is the opponent? What might he be thinking about this situation? Is he aware of the problem? If so, how do you think he perceives it? What are his needs and fears? What solution do you think he would suggest? Begin to reframe the opponent as partner.
6. What are your needs and fears? Are there any common concerns? Could there be?
7. How have you contributed to the problem? How has the other person?
The majority of the work in any conflict conversation is work you do on yourself. No matter how well the conversation begins, you’ll need to stay in charge of yourself, your purpose and your emotional energy. Breathe, center, and continue to notice when you become off center–and choose to return again. This is where your power lies. By choosing the calm, centered state, you’ll help your opponent/partner to be more centered, too. Centering is not a step; centering is how you are as you take the steps. (For more on Centering, see the Resource section at the end of the article.)
Step #1: Inquiry
Cultivate an attitude of discovery and curiosity. Pretend you don’t know anything (you really don’t), and try to learn as much as possible about your opponent/partner and his point of view. Pretend you’re entertaining a visitor from another planet, and find out how things look on that planet, how certain events affect the other person, and what the values and priorities are there.
If your partner really was from another planet, you’d be watching his body language and listening for unspoken energy as well. Do that here. What does he really want? What is he not saying?
Let your partner talk until he is finished. Don’t interrupt except to acknowledge. Whatever you hear, don’t take it personally. It’s not really about you. Try to learn as much as you can in this phase of the conversation. You’ll get your turn, but don’t rush things.
Step #2: Acknowledgment
Acknowledgment means showing that you’ve heard and understood. Try to understand the other person so well you can make his argument for him. Then do it. Explain back to him what you think he's really going for. Guess at his hopes and honor his position. He will not change unless he sees that you see where he stands. Then he might. No guarantees.
Acknowledge whatever you can, including your own defensiveness if it comes up. It’s fine; it just is. You can decide later how to address it. For example, in an argument with a friend, I said: “I notice I’m becoming defensive, and I think it’s because your voice just got louder and sounded angry. I just want to talk about this topic. I’m not trying to persuade you in either direction.” The acknowledgment helped him (and me) to re-center.
Acknowledgment can be difficult if we associate it with agreement. Keep them separate. My saying, “this sounds really important to you,” doesn’t mean I’m going to go along with your decision.
Step #3: Advocacy
When you sense your opponent/partner has expressed all his energy on the topic, it’s your turn. What can you see from your perspective that he's missed? Help clarify your position without minimizing his. For example: “From what you’ve told me, I can see how you came to the conclusion that I’m not a team player. And I think I am. When I introduce problems with a project, I’m thinking about its long-term success. I don’t mean to be a critic, though perhaps I sound like one. Maybe we can talk about how to address these issues so that my intention is clear.”
Step #4: Problem-Solving
Now you’re ready to begin building solutions. Brainstorming and continued inquiry are useful here. Ask your opponent/partner what he thinks might work. Whatever he says, find something you like and build on it. If the conversation becomes adversarial, go back to inquiry. Asking for the other’s point of view usually creates safety and encourages him to engage. If you’ve been successful in centering, adjusting your attitude, and engaging with inquiry and useful purpose, building sustainable solutions will be easy.
The art of conversation is like any art–with continued practice you acquire skill and ease. Here are some additional hints:
• A successful outcome will depend on two things: how you are and what you say. How you are (centered, suppor
Advertising is the flesh and blood in every business endeavor. This is indeed the most crucial part undertaken by businesses. This is because the success of your business relies on the kind of presentation you had provided. Advertising will serve as the eye opener for your business and bring your clients to your business.It is often said that advertising is not just easy as selling hot potatoes; you need to be creative and artistic enough in order for you to grab your client’s attention.Taking part with the postcards they are the most economical and versatile tools that you can have for your campaign and promotions. They are easily distributed via mail and handed out to your clients via hand.Postcards can help you close a deal and make your business prominent in the market. To make great deals out of postcards you must come up with a postcard print that is pleasing to eye. Thus in order to come up with great deals your postcards must have:1. Quality designs – when we talk about the quality, the materials used in it really possesses the quality, durability and sturdiness of the material. The design has the affectivity and is in accordance with the kind of
2. What assumptions are you making about this person’s intentions? You may feel intimidated, belittled, ignored, disrespected, or marginalized, but be cautious about assuming that this was the speaker's intention. Impact does not necessarily equal intent.
3. What “buttons” of yours are being pushed? Are you more emotional than the situation warrants? Take a look at your “backstory,” as they say in the movies. What personal history is being triggered? You may still have the conversation, but you’ll go into it knowing that some of the heightened emotional state has to do with you.
4. How is your attitude toward the conversation influencing your perception of it? If you think this is going to be horribly difficult, it probably will be. If you truly believe that whatever happens, some good will come of it, that will likely be the case. Try to adjust your attitude for maximum effectiveness.
5. Who is the opponent? What might he be thinking about this situation? Is he aware of the problem? If so, how do you think he perceives it? What are his needs and fears? What solution do you think he would suggest? Begin to reframe the opponent as partner.
6. What are your needs and fears? Are there any common concerns? Could there be?
7. How have you contributed to the problem? How has the other person?
The majority of the work in any conflict conversation is work you do on yourself. No matter how well the conversation begins, you’ll need to stay in charge of yourself, your purpose and your emotional energy. Breathe, center, and continue to notice when you become off center–and choose to return again. This is where your power lies. By choosing the calm, centered state, you’ll help your opponent/partner to be more centered, too. Centering is not a step; centering is how you are as you take the steps. (For more on Centering, see the Resource section at the end of the article.)
Step #1: Inquiry
Cultivate an attitude of discovery and curiosity. Pretend you don’t know anything (you really don’t), and try to learn as much as possible about your opponent/partner and his point of view. Pretend you’re entertaining a visitor from another planet, and find out how things look on that planet, how certain events affect the other person, and what the values and priorities are there.
If your partner really was from another planet, you’d be watching his body language and listening for unspoken energy as well. Do that here. What does he really want? What is he not saying?
Let your partner talk until he is finished. Don’t interrupt except to acknowledge. Whatever you hear, don’t take it personally. It’s not really about you. Try to learn as much as you can in this phase of the conversation. You’ll get your turn, but don’t rush things.
Step #2: Acknowledgment
Acknowledgment means showing that you’ve heard and understood. Try to understand the other person so well you can make his argument for him. Then do it. Explain back to him what you think he's really going for. Guess at his hopes and honor his position. He will not change unless he sees that you see where he stands. Then he might. No guarantees.
Acknowledge whatever you can, including your own defensiveness if it comes up. It’s fine; it just is. You can decide later how to address it. For example, in an argument with a friend, I said: “I notice I’m becoming defensive, and I think it’s because your voice just got louder and sounded angry. I just want to talk about this topic. I’m not trying to persuade you in either direction.” The acknowledgment helped him (and me) to re-center.
Acknowledgment can be difficult if we associate it with agreement. Keep them separate. My saying, “this sounds really important to you,” doesn’t mean I’m going to go along with your decision.
Step #3: Advocacy
When you sense your opponent/partner has expressed all his energy on the topic, it’s your turn. What can you see from your perspective that he's missed? Help clarify your position without minimizing his. For example: “From what you’ve told me, I can see how you came to the conclusion that I’m not a team player. And I think I am. When I introduce problems with a project, I’m thinking about its long-term success. I don’t mean to be a critic, though perhaps I sound like one. Maybe we can talk about how to address these issues so that my intention is clear.”
Step #4: Problem-Solving
Now you’re ready to begin building solutions. Brainstorming and continued inquiry are useful here. Ask your opponent/partner what he thinks might work. Whatever he says, find something you like and build on it. If the conversation becomes adversarial, go back to inquiry. Asking for the other’s point of view usually creates safety and encourages him to engage. If you’ve been successful in centering, adjusting your attitude, and engaging with inquiry and useful purpose, building sustainable solutions will be easy.
The art of conversation is like any art–with continued practice you acquire skill and ease. Here are some additional hints:
• A successful outcome will depend on two things: how you are and what you say. How you are (centered, suppo
Everyone knows that color can make a presentation more interesting and stimulating to look at. It can also convey information, as in the differently colored slices of a pie chart.But color used improperly is worse than no color at all. Bad color choices or combinations can actually distract viewers from your message and can even cause unpleasant feelings in them. The following guidelines can help you use color effectively in your presentations:• Too much color can be distracting. Resist the temptation to decorate your slides with a rainbow of colors. Graphic elements (such as charts) should never contain more than five colors; text slides should use at most two main colors and a third for highlighting.• Keep the colors, and their meanings, consistent throughout the presentation. This will unify your presentation and give it a professional look.• Even if you've chosen a harmonious set of colors, don't use them arbitrarily. Let the colors to show the relationships between elements, with related things in related colors.• As with the colors, keep the text (font) styles in your slides consistent.• Don't arbitrarily switch colors (of background
7. How have you contributed to the problem? How has the other person?
The majority of the work in any conflict conversation is work you do on yourself. No matter how well the conversation begins, you’ll need to stay in charge of yourself, your purpose and your emotional energy. Breathe, center, and continue to notice when you become off center–and choose to return again. This is where your power lies. By choosing the calm, centered state, you’ll help your opponent/partner to be more centered, too. Centering is not a step; centering is how you are as you take the steps. (For more on Centering, see the Resource section at the end of the article.)
Step #1: Inquiry
Cultivate an attitude of discovery and curiosity. Pretend you don’t know anything (you really don’t), and try to learn as much as possible about your opponent/partner and his point of view. Pretend you’re entertaining a visitor from another planet, and find out how things look on that planet, how certain events affect the other person, and what the values and priorities are there.
If your partner really was from another planet, you’d be watching his body language and listening for unspoken energy as well. Do that here. What does he really want? What is he not saying?
Let your partner talk until he is finished. Don’t interrupt except to acknowledge. Whatever you hear, don’t take it personally. It’s not really about you. Try to learn as much as you can in this phase of the conversation. You’ll get your turn, but don’t rush things.
Step #2: Acknowledgment
Acknowledgment means showing that you’ve heard and understood. Try to understand the other person so well you can make his argument for him. Then do it. Explain back to him what you think he's really going for. Guess at his hopes and honor his position. He will not change unless he sees that you see where he stands. Then he might. No guarantees.
Acknowledge whatever you can, including your own defensiveness if it comes up. It’s fine; it just is. You can decide later how to address it. For example, in an argument with a friend, I said: “I notice I’m becoming defensive, and I think it’s because your voice just got louder and sounded angry. I just want to talk about this topic. I’m not trying to persuade you in either direction.” The acknowledgment helped him (and me) to re-center.
Acknowledgment can be difficult if we associate it with agreement. Keep them separate. My saying, “this sounds really important to you,” doesn’t mean I’m going to go along with your decision.
Step #3: Advocacy
When you sense your opponent/partner has expressed all his energy on the topic, it’s your turn. What can you see from your perspective that he's missed? Help clarify your position without minimizing his. For example: “From what you’ve told me, I can see how you came to the conclusion that I’m not a team player. And I think I am. When I introduce problems with a project, I’m thinking about its long-term success. I don’t mean to be a critic, though perhaps I sound like one. Maybe we can talk about how to address these issues so that my intention is clear.”
Step #4: Problem-Solving
Now you’re ready to begin building solutions. Brainstorming and continued inquiry are useful here. Ask your opponent/partner what he thinks might work. Whatever he says, find something you like and build on it. If the conversation becomes adversarial, go back to inquiry. Asking for the other’s point of view usually creates safety and encourages him to engage. If you’ve been successful in centering, adjusting your attitude, and engaging with inquiry and useful purpose, building sustainable solutions will be easy.
The art of conversation is like any art–with continued practice you acquire skill and ease. Here are some additional hints:
• A successful outcome will depend on two things: how you are and what you say. How you are (centered, suppo
Performance metrics need to be tracked diligently. This is never more the case than with networking activities. Many computer consultants know they should be tracking specific performance metrics but fail to have a system to actually do so.A Profit and Loss type method for tracking performance metrics works quite nicely. By setting up a PNL statement you can use your defined performance metrics to track and measure the performance payback from each of the organizations you get involved with.PNL and Networking Performance MetricsSet up a separate statement for each organization you are involved with.Track the expenses on one side: Record the dates and meetings/events you attend Record the time and money you spent on each event Record how many new kinds of contacts you made Record how many existing contacts were strengthened Record how many people you met again for the second or subsequent time shook their hands, talked to briefly and reactivated that contactTrack the paybacks on the other side: Record the date and the name of qualified leads that entered your prospect funnel Record the name of the meeting or e
Let your partner talk until he is finished. Don’t interrupt except to acknowledge. Whatever you hear, don’t take it personally. It’s not really about you. Try to learn as much as you can in this phase of the conversation. You’ll get your turn, but don’t rush things.
Step #2: Acknowledgment
Acknowledgment means showing that you’ve heard and understood. Try to understand the other person so well you can make his argument for him. Then do it. Explain back to him what you think he's really going for. Guess at his hopes and honor his position. He will not change unless he sees that you see where he stands. Then he might. No guarantees.
Acknowledge whatever you can, including your own defensiveness if it comes up. It’s fine; it just is. You can decide later how to address it. For example, in an argument with a friend, I said: “I notice I’m becoming defensive, and I think it’s because your voice just got louder and sounded angry. I just want to talk about this topic. I’m not trying to persuade you in either direction.” The acknowledgment helped him (and me) to re-center.
Acknowledgment can be difficult if we associate it with agreement. Keep them separate. My saying, “this sounds really important to you,” doesn’t mean I’m going to go along with your decision.
Step #3: Advocacy
When you sense your opponent/partner has expressed all his energy on the topic, it’s your turn. What can you see from your perspective that he's missed? Help clarify your position without minimizing his. For example: “From what you’ve told me, I can see how you came to the conclusion that I’m not a team player. And I think I am. When I introduce problems with a project, I’m thinking about its long-term success. I don’t mean to be a critic, though perhaps I sound like one. Maybe we can talk about how to address these issues so that my intention is clear.”
Step #4: Problem-Solving
Now you’re ready to begin building solutions. Brainstorming and continued inquiry are useful here. Ask your opponent/partner what he thinks might work. Whatever he says, find something you like and build on it. If the conversation becomes adversarial, go back to inquiry. Asking for the other’s point of view usually creates safety and encourages him to engage. If you’ve been successful in centering, adjusting your attitude, and engaging with inquiry and useful purpose, building sustainable solutions will be easy.
The art of conversation is like any art–with continued practice you acquire skill and ease. Here are some additional hints:
• A successful outcome will depend on two things: how you are and what you say. How you are (centered, suppo
However adverts are used to gain much more purposes. An organization usually sponsors media advertising to convince consumers that its products will benefit them. However this is no the sole motivation behind sponsoring advertisements. Some are merely intended to inform but not persuade. For whatever reasons the advertisement is made it is meant to affect the consumer in the process spawn benefits for its sponsor. It must therefore be made in such way as to make achievement of its purpose highly. Its impact on consumer should lead consumer to the action that is favourable to advertiser. Large--scale efforts are made, often with impressive success, to channel consumers unthinking habits, purchasing decisions and thought processes by the use of insights gleaned from psychiatry and social sciences.Advertising is meant to have a serious economic purpose. It is meant to provide information about products to the consumer who can then make buying decisions. It is meant to allow producers to invest in their brand equity which in turn protects consumers because it means that any drop in product quality has disastrous financial consequences for the consumer to buy better. If advertisi
Step #4: Problem-Solving
Now you’re ready to begin building solutions. Brainstorming and continued inquiry are useful here. Ask your opponent/partner what he thinks might work. Whatever he says, find something you like and build on it. If the conversation becomes adversarial, go back to inquiry. Asking for the other’s point of view usually creates safety and encourages him to engage. If you’ve been successful in centering, adjusting your attitude, and engaging with inquiry and useful purpose, building sustainable solutions will be easy.
The art of conversation is like any art–with continued practice you acquire skill and ease. Here are some additional hints:
• A successful outcome will depend on two things: how you are and what you say. How you are (centered, supportive, curious, problem-solving) will greatly influence what you say.
• Acknowledge emotional energy–yours and your partner's–and direct it toward a useful purpose.
• Know and return to your purpose at difficult moments.
• Don’t take verbal attacks personally. Help your opponent/partner come back to center.
• Don’t assume your opponent/partner can see things from your point of view.
• Practice the conversation with a friend before holding the real one.
• Mentally practice the conversation. See various possibilities and visualize yourself handling them with ease. Envision the outcome you are hoping for.
In my workshops, a common question is How do I begin the conversation? Here are a few conversation openers I’ve picked up over the years–and used many times!
• I have something I’d like to discuss with you that I think will help us work together more effectively.
• I’d like to talk about ____________ with you, but first I’d like to get your point of view.
• I need your help with what just happened. Do you have a few minutes to talk?
• I need your help with something. Can we talk about it (soon)? If the person says, “Sure, let me get back to you,” follow up with him.
• I think we have different perceptions about _____________________. I’d like to hear your thinking on this.
• I’d like to talk about ___________________. I think we may have different ideas about how to _____________________.
• I’d like to see if we might reach a better understanding about ___________. I really want to hear your feelings about this and share my perspective as well.
Write a possible opening for your conversation here:
______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Good luck! Let me know if this article has been useful by contacting me at www.judyringer.com
Resources
The Magic of Conflict, by Thomas F. Crum (www.aikiworks.com)
Difficult Conversations, by Douglas Stone, Bruce Patton, and Sheila Heen (www.triadcgi.com)
Crucial Conversations, by Kerry Patterson, Joseph Grenny, Ron McMillan, Al Switzler (www.crucialconversations.com)
FAQ about Conflict, by Judy Ringer http://www.JudyRinger.com
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