ou could go out of your way to say something kind, or to ask how she's doing. When it's offered freely, the slightest gesture can have an enormous effect. Ask about her family, her pet, whatever. Tell her what's going on with you. You don't need to spend enormous quantities of time with her, but as you show her a genuine and consistent concern, it's quite likely that her emptiness and fear will diminish, and as that happens her behavior toward you will change. If you are insincere as you do this, however—if you are nice to her for the purpose of trying to change her behavior, to get her to be nice to you in return, for example—she'll feel your manipulation.

Of course, it is also possible that she will take your kindness as an invitation to be even more intrusive. Not likely, but if that happens, you do not have to be a doormat. You can openly tell her that at this point in your career, criticism is just too hard for you to hear. It's too distracting, so you need her to keep her comments about your performance

It's hard enough dealing with the boss you have. You thought one boss would be enough. But, luckily, you have a co-worker who thinks she was appointed to supervise your every move. She's making your workplace a living hell. The following letter describes a similar situation.

"I have a co-worker, Karen, who is so annoying. She's always giving advice that is intrusive and demeaning. She thinks she knows everything, she's overworked and misunderstood, and nothing is ever her fault. The biggest problem is that she's always telling me how I should do my job, even though she has no supervisory authority over me. A few days ago, when I got off the phone, Karen asked me who I was talking to, and when I asked her why she wanted to know, she acted offended and said, ‘Well, excuse me for asking!' I already feel insecure enough about my job, and I don't need her questions and accusations. Nobody likes to be around this woman. How can I deal with her without offending her?"

When we don't have enough of what we really want-Real Love-we feel empty, powerless, and alone, and we absolutely have to fill that emptiness with something that will relieve our pain. Your co-worker—Karen—tells you what she knows about everything because all her life she has noticed that other people pay attention to her in a positive way only when she's smart and helpful and in control. She tries to control you because that's when she feels powerful and important. Most of this is not conscious on her part, and you can be certain that she acts this way with almost everyone in her life, not just you. In the absence of sufficient real Love, this is how she gets enough of the imitation love that briefly gives her satisfaction.

Now, when Karen is controlling and attacking you, what's your reaction? It's only natural that you would tend to defend yourself and get irritated, but the instant you Do that you're communicating to her that you don't care about her happiness, and she feels that. Without realizing it, this woman is begging for someone to love her, and—again without meaning to—you respond by telling her that you don't care about her. That's a problem, because you actually make her feel even more empty and afraid, and then she's even more likely to be manipulative, defensive, and controllin when she's around you. It becomes a self-reinforcing cycle of Getting and Protecting Behaviors. What a drag.

Admittedly, Karen is tough to love when she behaves as she does, but that's exactly what she needs. Remember, her behaviors are Getting and Protecting Behaviors, which are only a response to a lack of Real Love in her life. If someone can bring more Real Love into her life, that can make all the difference, and you just might be the person to do that. Actually, you can change the situation dramatically simply by recognizing her need for Real Love.

So now-past recognizing her need—what can you actually do to help her? A lot, it turns out. You see, right now she is manipulating and controlling you for the attention she's getting from you. Unfortunately, the moment she does anything to get your attention or approval or a sense of power from you, anything she gets in response counts for nothing. Why? Because deep down she knows she had to manipulate you for it.

Let me illustrate. What if I held a gun to your head and forced you to come to lunch with me and spend an hour with me. Sure, I'd have your attention, but would it be genuinely satisfying? No, because I'd know that I had to force you to give me that attention. What you give me counts only when you give it freely, without any manipulation.

It's the same with your co-worker. She is so empty and alone, and she responds by manipulating people for attention. But the moment she manipulates people, the attention feels worthless. So what does she do? She manipulates even more, but that doesn't work either.

What's the solution?: She needs attention that is offered unconditionally, lovingly. For example, every time you see Karen, you could go out of your way to say something kind, or to ask how she's doing. When it's offered freely, the slightest gesture can have an enormous effect. Ask about her family, her pet, whatever. Tell her what's going on with you. You don't need to spend enormous quantities of time with her, but as you show her a genuine and consistent concern, it's quite likely that her emptiness and fear will diminish, and as that happens her behavior toward you will change. If you are insincere as you do this, however—if you are nice to her for the purpose of trying to change her behavior, to get her to be nice to you in return, for example—she'll feel your manipulation.

Of course, it is also possible that she will take your kindness as an invitation to be even more intrusive. Not likely, but if that happens, you do not have to be a doormat. You can openly tell her that at this point in your career, criticism is just too hard for you to hear. It's too distracting, so you need her to keep her comments about your performance t

want-Real Love-we feel empty, powerless, and alone, and we absolutely have to fill that emptiness with something that will relieve our pain. Your co-worker—Karen—tells you what she knows about everything because all her life she has noticed that other people pay attention to her in a positive way only when she's smart and helpful and in control. She tries to control you because that's when she feels powerful and important. Most of this is not conscious on her part, and you can be certain that she acts this way with almost everyone in her life, not just you. In the absence of sufficient real Love, this is how she gets enough of the imitation love that briefly gives her satisfaction.

Now, when Karen is controlling and attacking you, what's your reaction? It's only natural that you would tend to defend yourself and get irritated, but the instant you Do that you're communicating to her that you don't care about her happiness, and she feels that. Without realizing it, this woman is begging for someone to love her, and—again without meaning to—you respond by telling her that you don't care about her. That's a problem, because you actually make her feel even more empty and afraid, and then she's even more likely to be manipulative, defensive, and controllin when she's around you. It becomes a self-reinforcing cycle of Getting and Protecting Behaviors. What a drag.

Admittedly, Karen is tough to love when she behaves as she does, but that's exactly what she needs. Remember, her behaviors are Getting and Protecting Behaviors, which are only a response to a lack of Real Love in her life. If someone can bring more Real Love into her life, that can make all the difference, and you just might be the person to do that. Actually, you can change the situation dramatically simply by recognizing her need for Real Love.

So now-past recognizing her need—what can you actually do to help her? A lot, it turns out. You see, right now she is manipulating and controlling you for the attention she's getting from you. Unfortunately, the moment she does anything to get your attention or approval or a sense of power from you, anything she gets in response counts for nothing. Why? Because deep down she knows she had to manipulate you for it.

Let me illustrate. What if I held a gun to your head and forced you to come to lunch with me and spend an hour with me. Sure, I'd have your attention, but would it be genuinely satisfying? No, because I'd know that I had to force you to give me that attention. What you give me counts only when you give it freely, without any manipulation.

It's the same with your co-worker. She is so empty and alone, and she responds by manipulating people for attention. But the moment she manipulates people, the attention feels worthless. So what does she do? She manipulates even more, but that doesn't work either.

What's the solution?: She needs attention that is offered unconditionally, lovingly. For example, every time you see Karen, you could go out of your way to say something kind, or to ask how she's doing. When it's offered freely, the slightest gesture can have an enormous effect. Ask about her family, her pet, whatever. Tell her what's going on with you. You don't need to spend enormous quantities of time with her, but as you show her a genuine and consistent concern, it's quite likely that her emptiness and fear will diminish, and as that happens her behavior toward you will change. If you are insincere as you do this, however—if you are nice to her for the purpose of trying to change her behavior, to get her to be nice to you in return, for example—she'll feel your manipulation.

Of course, it is also possible that she will take your kindness as an invitation to be even more intrusive. Not likely, but if that happens, you do not have to be a doormat. You can openly tell her that at this point in your career, criticism is just too hard for you to hear. It's too distracting, so you need her to keep her comments about your performance

and—again without meaning to—you respond by telling her that you don't care about her. That's a problem, because you actually make her feel even more empty and afraid, and then she's even more likely to be manipulative, defensive, and controllin when she's around you. It becomes a self-reinforcing cycle of Getting and Protecting Behaviors. What a drag.

Admittedly, Karen is tough to love when she behaves as she does, but that's exactly what she needs. Remember, her behaviors are Getting and Protecting Behaviors, which are only a response to a lack of Real Love in her life. If someone can bring more Real Love into her life, that can make all the difference, and you just might be the person to do that. Actually, you can change the situation dramatically simply by recognizing her need for Real Love.

So now-past recognizing her need—what can you actually do to help her? A lot, it turns out. You see, right now she is manipulating and controlling you for the attention she's getting from you. Unfortunately, the moment she does anything to get your attention or approval or a sense of power from you, anything she gets in response counts for nothing. Why? Because deep down she knows she had to manipulate you for it.

Let me illustrate. What if I held a gun to your head and forced you to come to lunch with me and spend an hour with me. Sure, I'd have your attention, but would it be genuinely satisfying? No, because I'd know that I had to force you to give me that attention. What you give me counts only when you give it freely, without any manipulation.

It's the same with your co-worker. She is so empty and alone, and she responds by manipulating people for attention. But the moment she manipulates people, the attention feels worthless. So what does she do? She manipulates even more, but that doesn't work either.

What's the solution?: She needs attention that is offered unconditionally, lovingly. For example, every time you see Karen, you could go out of your way to say something kind, or to ask how she's doing. When it's offered freely, the slightest gesture can have an enormous effect. Ask about her family, her pet, whatever. Tell her what's going on with you. You don't need to spend enormous quantities of time with her, but as you show her a genuine and consistent concern, it's quite likely that her emptiness and fear will diminish, and as that happens her behavior toward you will change. If you are insincere as you do this, however—if you are nice to her for the purpose of trying to change her behavior, to get her to be nice to you in return, for example—she'll feel your manipulation.

Of course, it is also possible that she will take your kindness as an invitation to be even more intrusive. Not likely, but if that happens, you do not have to be a doormat. You can openly tell her that at this point in your career, criticism is just too hard for you to hear. It's too distracting, so you need her to keep her comments about your performance

ontrolling you for the attention she's getting from you. Unfortunately, the moment she does anything to get your attention or approval or a sense of power from you, anything she gets in response counts for nothing. Why? Because deep down she knows she had to manipulate you for it.

Let me illustrate. What if I held a gun to your head and forced you to come to lunch with me and spend an hour with me. Sure, I'd have your attention, but would it be genuinely satisfying? No, because I'd know that I had to force you to give me that attention. What you give me counts only when you give it freely, without any manipulation.

It's the same with your co-worker. She is so empty and alone, and she responds by manipulating people for attention. But the moment she manipulates people, the attention feels worthless. So what does she do? She manipulates even more, but that doesn't work either.

What's the solution?: She needs attention that is offered unconditionally, lovingly. For example, every time you see Karen, you could go out of your way to say something kind, or to ask how she's doing. When it's offered freely, the slightest gesture can have an enormous effect. Ask about her family, her pet, whatever. Tell her what's going on with you. You don't need to spend enormous quantities of time with her, but as you show her a genuine and consistent concern, it's quite likely that her emptiness and fear will diminish, and as that happens her behavior toward you will change. If you are insincere as you do this, however—if you are nice to her for the purpose of trying to change her behavior, to get her to be nice to you in return, for example—she'll feel your manipulation.

Of course, it is also possible that she will take your kindness as an invitation to be even more intrusive. Not likely, but if that happens, you do not have to be a doormat. You can openly tell her that at this point in your career, criticism is just too hard for you to hear. It's too distracting, so you need her to keep her comments about your performance

ou could go out of your way to say something kind, or to ask how she's doing. When it's offered freely, the slightest gesture can have an enormous effect. Ask about her family, her pet, whatever. Tell her what's going on with you. You don't need to spend enormous quantities of time with her, but as you show her a genuine and consistent concern, it's quite likely that her emptiness and fear will diminish, and as that happens her behavior toward you will change. If you are insincere as you do this, however—if you are nice to her for the purpose of trying to change her behavior, to get her to be nice to you in return, for example—she'll feel your manipulation.

Of course, it is also possible that she will take your kindness as an invitation to be even more intrusive. Not likely, but if that happens, you do not have to be a doormat. You can openly tell her that at this point in your career, criticism is just too hard for you to hear. It's too distracting, so you need her to keep her comments about your performance to herself. She'll be able to hear that better if you make it all about you, not her. , even if her comments are accurate. You're not blaming her, just telling her what you are comfortable with. If she is still offended, remember that she is reacting to the many years of emptiness and fear that existed long before she ever met you. Even if she responds badly to your attempts at kindness, you will still feel much happier yourself than if you were defensive and angry.