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Actual for You - The Good Fight - How To Keep Aruments From Getting Out Of Control
Our Off-Color Dictionary got started when our Turkish nephew, Yanki, suggested (back in 1996) that we prepare a page of the most commonly heard Turkish language swear words. If we left them out, he advised, our coverage of 'Practical Turkish' would be incomplete. How could Turkish language learners cope, he pressed, without a basic knowledge of everyday Turkish swear words and slang?And so he persuaded us that you can never get a comprehensive feel for a language unless you are familiar with its off-color slang. (This is especially true of a language like Turkish, in which off-color words may be intermingled with 'polite' everyday speech, without the blinking of an eye. The word boktan springs firstly to mind, for example.)And here's one of our favorite off-color Turkish colloquialisms...frikik (free-kick) -- when, for example, a woman exits a car in a skirt and accidentally (?) opens her legs to expose her undies, the man who observes the event is said to have been awarded
Simple Rule: Focus on what you like about your spouse and you will have more of what you like in your relationship.
Concentrate on creating positive interactions with your spouse. Relationship researchers suggest a 5:1 ratio. That means for every ONE negative interaction there needs to be FIVE positive ones to keep the relation-ship in balance.
Weekly Relationship Meeting
Schedule a weekly relationship meeting. All couples need to have a routine for helping each other stay focused or accountable for the health of their relationship.
- Make a commitment to meet weekly.
- Keep the meeting to less than one hour.
- Connect with your partner. Face each other, hold hands, and make eye contact.
- Agree on who will start and begin by taking three minutes to say what’s on your mind.
- The speaker speaks while the listener listens without getting defensive or accusatory.
- The listener asks the speaker what they need out of this conversation. Talk about things th
When you become a teenager and are first allowed to date, it is like a whole new world is opened up to you. Suddenly you have much more freedom to explore the world of the opposite sex, and to learn what kinds of things you are looking for in a romantic relationship.As a high school and even a college student, your environment conspires with you to provide numerous opportunities for enjoyable and affordable dates. Events like football games, homecoming dances, and late night runs to Krispy Kreme for some “hot and now” donuts abound, and usually do not require you to spend a lot of money in order to enjoy a nice time together.But then as a young adult, an interesting shift takes place. Generally young adults graduate from college and go directly into a job, which means that they have many more financial resources at their disposal. But at the same time that money becomes more plentiful, free time and energy often decrease. So that by the time you have the ability to pay for more expensive dating opp
No matter what we call it—conflict, fighting, arguing, quarreling or disagreeing, in most relationships, differences eventually arise and for many of us it creates some uneasiness. But having the Good Fight, if handled well, can transform relationships and improve our understanding of each other. When managed badly, conflict can result in damaged friendships, severed relationships, and long-lasting hostility.
Understanding Conflict
Terry Real, in his book, “How Can I Get Through To You?” describes the essential rhythm of a relationship as going from Harmony to Disharmony to Restoration. In relationships it isn’t a matter of IF there is going to be conflict (disharmony) but HOW you are going to handle that conflict so that you can restore (restoration) it back to a harmonious (harmony) state. Ask yourself "What kind of "fighter" am I”? Do you...?
- think expressing negativity just makes things worse?
- pick your battles carefully?
- prefer to agree to disagree?
- get really mad and then the insults fly?
- avoid conflict at all costs?
- hit "below the belt" and regret it later?
- often feel you are about one millisecond away from exploding when you argue?
- find that arguing stresses you out, so when faced with a fight, you usually withdraw and hide your real feelings?
- listen to your partner’s point of view?
- have trouble sticking to the issue at hand and often bring up things from the past that has annoyed you?
- feel that any disagreement is an attack on you?
How you answer this fundamental question “What type of fighter are you” can determine a great deal about how you can keep arguments from getting out of control. There are three basic styles of conflict management:
- Validating Style: couples compromise often and calmly work out their problems to a mutual satisfaction as they arise.
- Pitfall: may turn the relationship into a passionless arrangement in which romance and self-hood is sacrificed for friendship and togetherness.
- Conflict-Minimizing Style: couples agree to disagree, rarely confronting their differences head-on.
- Pitfall: leaves a couple unschooled in how to bring up important issues in their relationship. These couples need to learn what issues are worth getting into.
- Eruptive Style: couples quarrel frequently, conflicts blow up often, resulting in heated disputes.
- Pitfall: negativity and constant fighting can take over. When you fight about everything you fight about nothing. These couples need to learn how to let go of certain issues.
Some people like to fight...others avoid it like the plague. No one style is better than another is. It is not what you fight about but how you fight that creates the greatest impact on couples. So ask yourself “Do I have a different style than my spouse? Am I a conflict avoider and my spouse is more eruptive? Do I think my spouse is wrong for being different?”
Solvable and Perpetual Problems
There are two main types of conflict in romantic relationships those that can be resolved and those that are perpetual. 69% of all marital conflict falls into the perpetual category. Most couples treat their problems as if they are solvable. Couples need to find a way to deal with the unbudgeable problems so that these obstacles don’t overwhelm them.
Couples may not welcome these perpetual problems with open arms, but they need to find ways to cope with then, to avoid situations that make them worse, and to develop strategies and routines that help them cope with the perpetual problems in their relationship.
Preventing Conflicts
The best way to keep arguments from getting out of control is prevention. Prevention is the conscious steps you take day to day to keep connected in order for you and your spouse to resolve issues as they come up.
The Magic Number
Most couples tend to put the blame for conflicts on the topic of disagreement, finances, in-laws, not taking the garbage out, when actually, conflict arises when there is a general climate of negativity in the relationship.
Simple Rule: Focus on what you like about your spouse and you will have more of what you like in your relationship.
Concentrate on creating positive interactions with your spouse. Relationship researchers suggest a 5:1 ratio. That means for every ONE negative interaction there needs to be FIVE positive ones to keep the relation-ship in balance.
Weekly Relationship Meeting
Schedule a weekly relationship meeting. All couples need to have a routine for helping each other stay focused or accountable for the health of their relationship.
- Make a commitment to meet weekly.
- Keep the meeting to less than one hour.
- Connect with your partner. Face each other, hold hands, and make eye contact.
- Agree on who will start and begin by taking three minutes to say what’s on your mind.
- The speaker speaks while the listener listens without getting defensive or accusatory.
- The listener asks the speaker what they need out of this conversation. Talk about things tha
Each year uninformed homebuyers, usually first time purchasers or seniors fall victim to predatory lending known as loan fraud. True, there are many lenders, appraisers, brokers and other real estate professional that legit ably want to assist you in obtaining a nice comfortable home with a great loan but always remember that trite phrase “buyer beware.” Buying or refinancing a home is one of the most important financial decisions that we make, it is vital to learn as much as we can about the home loan process. That is why I decided to list the most important steps you can take so you won't become the next victim of loan fraud.Step one is to Beware of false appraisals. You should have a good idea of what houses appraise for.Step two is to take your time and shop around. Competition is great for consumers. If you don't appreciate one lender's offer, there is always another one waiting.Step three is be certain that the costs and loan terms at closing are what you originally agreed to.<
- think expressing negativity just makes things worse?
- pick your battles carefully?
- prefer to agree to disagree?
- get really mad and then the insults fly?
- avoid conflict at all costs?
- hit "below the belt" and regret it later?
- often feel you are about one millisecond away from exploding when you argue?
- find that arguing stresses you out, so when faced with a fight, you usually withdraw and hide your real feelings?
- listen to your partner’s point of view?
- have trouble sticking to the issue at hand and often bring up things from the past that has annoyed you?
- feel that any disagreement is an attack on you?
How you answer this fundamental question “What type of fighter are you” can determine a great deal about how you can keep arguments from getting out of control. There are three basic styles of conflict management:
- Validating Style: couples compromise often and calmly work out their problems to a mutual satisfaction as they arise.
- Pitfall: may turn the relationship into a passionless arrangement in which romance and self-hood is sacrificed for friendship and togetherness.
- Conflict-Minimizing Style: couples agree to disagree, rarely confronting their differences head-on.
- Pitfall: leaves a couple unschooled in how to bring up important issues in their relationship. These couples need to learn what issues are worth getting into.
- Eruptive Style: couples quarrel frequently, conflicts blow up often, resulting in heated disputes.
- Pitfall: negativity and constant fighting can take over. When you fight about everything you fight about nothing. These couples need to learn how to let go of certain issues.
Some people like to fight...others avoid it like the plague. No one style is better than another is. It is not what you fight about but how you fight that creates the greatest impact on couples. So ask yourself “Do I have a different style than my spouse? Am I a conflict avoider and my spouse is more eruptive? Do I think my spouse is wrong for being different?”
Solvable and Perpetual Problems
There are two main types of conflict in romantic relationships those that can be resolved and those that are perpetual. 69% of all marital conflict falls into the perpetual category. Most couples treat their problems as if they are solvable. Couples need to find a way to deal with the unbudgeable problems so that these obstacles don’t overwhelm them.
Couples may not welcome these perpetual problems with open arms, but they need to find ways to cope with then, to avoid situations that make them worse, and to develop strategies and routines that help them cope with the perpetual problems in their relationship.
Preventing Conflicts
The best way to keep arguments from getting out of control is prevention. Prevention is the conscious steps you take day to day to keep connected in order for you and your spouse to resolve issues as they come up.
The Magic Number
Most couples tend to put the blame for conflicts on the topic of disagreement, finances, in-laws, not taking the garbage out, when actually, conflict arises when there is a general climate of negativity in the relationship.
Simple Rule: Focus on what you like about your spouse and you will have more of what you like in your relationship.
Concentrate on creating positive interactions with your spouse. Relationship researchers suggest a 5:1 ratio. That means for every ONE negative interaction there needs to be FIVE positive ones to keep the relation-ship in balance.
Weekly Relationship Meeting
Schedule a weekly relationship meeting. All couples need to have a routine for helping each other stay focused or accountable for the health of their relationship.
- Make a commitment to meet weekly.
- Keep the meeting to less than one hour.
- Connect with your partner. Face each other, hold hands, and make eye contact.
- Agree on who will start and begin by taking three minutes to say what’s on your mind.
- The speaker speaks while the listener listens without getting defensive or accusatory.
- The listener asks the speaker what they need out of this conversation. Talk about things th
Tropical Storms off the Coast of Mexico in May are very rare indeed, this year there have been two and apparently the 2007 Pacific Hurricane Season is on its way. Although Alvin petered out as a strong tropical storm into a mere tropical depression as it heads out to sea, this has not in anyway slowed the exploits of Tropical Hurricane Barbara.In the last one hundred years only twice have two tropical storms appeared in the Pacific prior to the Official Start of the season, June 1st; those years were 1956 and in 1984 and now 2007 shows us perhaps another record breaking year to come. Meanwhile things are relatively mild in the Gulf of Mexico which is a good thing considering the ominous 2005 Hurricane Season.The first named storms in the Atlantic Hurricane Season will be Andrea, Barry, Chantal, Dean and Erin. We still have no idea what size they might be or even if they will become Hurricanes at all. Next on the list in the Pacific are Tropical Storm or Hurricane Cosme, Dalila, Erick, Flossie, Gil
- Pitfall: may turn the relationship into a passionless arrangement in which romance and self-hood is sacrificed for friendship and togetherness.
- Conflict-Minimizing Style: couples agree to disagree, rarely confronting their differences head-on.
- Pitfall: leaves a couple unschooled in how to bring up important issues in their relationship. These couples need to learn what issues are worth getting into.
- Eruptive Style: couples quarrel frequently, conflicts blow up often, resulting in heated disputes.
- Pitfall: negativity and constant fighting can take over. When you fight about everything you fight about nothing. These couples need to learn how to let go of certain issues.
Some people like to fight...others avoid it like the plague. No one style is better than another is. It is not what you fight about but how you fight that creates the greatest impact on couples. So ask yourself “Do I have a different style than my spouse? Am I a conflict avoider and my spouse is more eruptive? Do I think my spouse is wrong for being different?”
Solvable and Perpetual Problems
There are two main types of conflict in romantic relationships those that can be resolved and those that are perpetual. 69% of all marital conflict falls into the perpetual category. Most couples treat their problems as if they are solvable. Couples need to find a way to deal with the unbudgeable problems so that these obstacles don’t overwhelm them.
Couples may not welcome these perpetual problems with open arms, but they need to find ways to cope with then, to avoid situations that make them worse, and to develop strategies and routines that help them cope with the perpetual problems in their relationship.
Preventing Conflicts
The best way to keep arguments from getting out of control is prevention. Prevention is the conscious steps you take day to day to keep connected in order for you and your spouse to resolve issues as they come up.
The Magic Number
Most couples tend to put the blame for conflicts on the topic of disagreement, finances, in-laws, not taking the garbage out, when actually, conflict arises when there is a general climate of negativity in the relationship.
Simple Rule: Focus on what you like about your spouse and you will have more of what you like in your relationship.
Concentrate on creating positive interactions with your spouse. Relationship researchers suggest a 5:1 ratio. That means for every ONE negative interaction there needs to be FIVE positive ones to keep the relation-ship in balance.
Weekly Relationship Meeting
Schedule a weekly relationship meeting. All couples need to have a routine for helping each other stay focused or accountable for the health of their relationship.
- Make a commitment to meet weekly.
- Keep the meeting to less than one hour.
- Connect with your partner. Face each other, hold hands, and make eye contact.
- Agree on who will start and begin by taking three minutes to say what’s on your mind.
- The speaker speaks while the listener listens without getting defensive or accusatory.
- The listener asks the speaker what they need out of this conversation. Talk about things th
The debate rages on in the new World of Online Article Marketing. Do you write with vigor, passion and occasionally interject opinion or do you remain detached? Well, let me debate this with you. You see, if you stand for Nothing, you fall for anything. If you have Passion, use it.If you do not, you are a Sheeple, so I do not wish to converse with you or read your article. I am not interested in someone with no energy, intelligence or brain power, running around pretending to be like everyone else. Either you are turned on, or you are turned off. Which is it?Show me what you got. If you ain't got nothing, then as I use to say in my Track Star days, "TRACK" meaning get out of the way, speed up or get off the track. There is a time for Passionate Writing. Then there is a time when you want to make sure you do not offend any of the little persnickety whiners, who so much want you to be like them and everyone else because you make them look silly, weak, incompetent, undedicated and so far in the back o
Solvable and Perpetual Problems
There are two main types of conflict in romantic relationships those that can be resolved and those that are perpetual. 69% of all marital conflict falls into the perpetual category. Most couples treat their problems as if they are solvable. Couples need to find a way to deal with the unbudgeable problems so that these obstacles don’t overwhelm them.
Couples may not welcome these perpetual problems with open arms, but they need to find ways to cope with then, to avoid situations that make them worse, and to develop strategies and routines that help them cope with the perpetual problems in their relationship.
Preventing Conflicts
The best way to keep arguments from getting out of control is prevention. Prevention is the conscious steps you take day to day to keep connected in order for you and your spouse to resolve issues as they come up.
The Magic Number
Most couples tend to put the blame for conflicts on the topic of disagreement, finances, in-laws, not taking the garbage out, when actually, conflict arises when there is a general climate of negativity in the relationship.
Simple Rule: Focus on what you like about your spouse and you will have more of what you like in your relationship.
Concentrate on creating positive interactions with your spouse. Relationship researchers suggest a 5:1 ratio. That means for every ONE negative interaction there needs to be FIVE positive ones to keep the relation-ship in balance.
Weekly Relationship Meeting
Schedule a weekly relationship meeting. All couples need to have a routine for helping each other stay focused or accountable for the health of their relationship.
- Make a commitment to meet weekly.
- Keep the meeting to less than one hour.
- Connect with your partner. Face each other, hold hands, and make eye contact.
- Agree on who will start and begin by taking three minutes to say what’s on your mind.
- The speaker speaks while the listener listens without getting defensive or accusatory.
- The listener asks the speaker what they need out of this conversation. Talk about things th
After you determine that you will be exhibiting at a show; get your killer display; scheduled and train staff; and have everything set up on the show floor…now comes the hard part…getting people to visit your booth! There seems to be a never-ending push for creativity and innovation in this area, and truly there is no magic answer, but there are a few things that can help.Be Important to Attendees Be sure that you're exhibiting at a show where your product and service is highly relevant and needed by the show attendees. It's also not a bad idea to choose shows where you're NOT one of a thousand companies that do the exact same thing you do. Search for shows where your product or service is highly relevant, but where you stand a chance of being one of only a few companies that do what you do.Have an Eye-Catching Display Your booth display must be well done, and tell an intriguing message quickly in order to catch a show attendee's eye. A display company can show you thousands of opti
Simple Rule: Focus on what you like about your spouse and you will have more of what you like in your relationship.
Concentrate on creating positive interactions with your spouse. Relationship researchers suggest a 5:1 ratio. That means for every ONE negative interaction there needs to be FIVE positive ones to keep the relation-ship in balance.
Weekly Relationship Meeting
Schedule a weekly relationship meeting. All couples need to have a routine for helping each other stay focused or accountable for the health of their relationship.
- Make a commitment to meet weekly.
- Keep the meeting to less than one hour.
- Connect with your partner. Face each other, hold hands, and make eye contact.
- Agree on who will start and begin by taking three minutes to say what’s on your mind.
- The speaker speaks while the listener listens without getting defensive or accusatory.
- The listener asks the speaker what they need out of this conversation. Talk about things that matter.
- Discuss future ways to manage these feelings or the concern that is being addressed. Work towards compromise. Switch speaker listener roles and repeat the process.
- Plan some fun after each meeting.
The First 30 Seconds
Research shows that what happens in the first 30 seconds of a conversation can greatly determine the positive or negative outcome of that conversation. Which means that if you start negative you’ll finish negative. Since women initiate about 85% of conversations regarding conflict in the relationship they are vulnerable to starting harshly. Consider carefully the tone and content of your opening remarks. Nine ways NOT to begin a conversation:
1. “You always...”
2. “You never...”
3. “Why can’t you just...”
4. “You’re not listening...”
5. “You just don’t get it...”
6. “What, this again...”
7. “You have to understand...”
8. “How long is this going to take?”
9. “Everyone else...”
Calming and Active Argument
The best strategy for managing an already heated fight is to take a structured time out. If the fight is getting nowhere and your getting angrier and going in circles suggest a cool down break. Here are some guidelines:
- I have to take a break. Can we check in with each other in twenty minutes”? Then walk away, go for a walk, or put on some music.
- Calm yourself down and think positive thoughts about your spouse. Think about what you really want to say or what you need.
- Come back at the agreed upon time and if one of you is not ready to talk take another cool down break. Agree on another time to meet up.
- Remember it is important to THINK POSITIVELY about your spouse during the cool down break.
Repair Attempts
Believe it or not couples can take steps during a fight to turn down the intensity of the argument so that they can stay connected and listen to one another. Here are some ideas:
- Editing: reply only to the constructive portions of your partner’s comments. Tr cutting out the negative in your response.
- Humor: used appropriately it can diffuse a tense situation.
- Affection: being understanding, empathetic, or validating is a profoundly effective way to repair communication.
Take 100 Percent Responsibility
When both members of a couple “own” the entire argument, the ability to fix what went wrong will be increased twofold. Working together to heal a rift is the quickest and easiest way to have The Good Fight.
By Julienne B. Derichs LCPC
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