d homemaker and a super mom; so she thought. In trying to do so, she lost herself. She is now trying to play "catch up" with her life and having a rough go of it. Now that two of her children are in or near their teens she has to start teaching them to be more self-sufficient. She has recently re-entered the work force and is enjoying being out of the house during the week.

Her and Rick continue to have problems though. He had indicated to her that he had fallen out of love and still wants a divorce. Kaye is trying to work on her marriage, but realizes she also needs to work on herself. It can be difficult to hang onto your own identity AND have a relationship. But it doesn't have to come down to a choice between staying in the relationship and losing your identity, or ending the relationship and rediscovering who you are. Here are some suggestions on how to keep your identity and not fall into an unhealthy pattern of losing yourself trying to please everyone else around you.

1.) Do you mean no when you say yes? Once you're clear on what you want from t

We’ve all seen this happen time and time again; a couple starts dating and instantly there are sparks. This must be the one. He loves her wit and her intelligence, he’s funny, successful and has a wide range of friends. Its bliss, they are both falling in love.

Let’s take this "perfect" relationship a few years into the future. He comes home from work, eats dinner and falls asleep in front if the TV while she’s getting the baby to bed only to have to go out and clean up the kitchen. Each is starting to resent the other, she’s tired of taking care of the house 24/7, he’s tired of coming home from work only to find toys all over the family room. His wife is too busy taking care of the baby to talk to him.

The whole relationship is starting to feel like a power struggle. He’s becoming a dominating personality, and she’s had a lifetime of conditioning to please her partner. He goes out with his friends more and more, takes up golf to relax and get out of the house. She’s hauling the kids off to soccer games and making lunches.

We all have our roles in relationships, but what happens when your role becomes your life.

Let me use my friend Kaye as an example. Kaye and Rick have been married for over 15 years. They have a nice house, three children 5, 9 and 14, two dogs, two cat’s and a bird. After the birth of their first child, Kaye decided she wanted to quit her job of 5 years and stay home to raise their son. Rick was an electrician and just started his own business, even though things were a little tight, they got by. Then came their daughter. Rick felt pressure to bring home a larger paycheck and Kaye had taken on more responsibility at home.

Usually my visits to Kaye were a great time, she was one of the funniest and kindest people I had ever met. After the children I noticed a dramatic difference in her. Instead of laughing, talking and taking a moment to sit back enjoy the day, Kaye was constantly up and down, from room to room, checking on the kids and picking up around the house. Sitting down for brief moments only to comment on how tired she was. She would have to get dinner started shortly, and frankly I would be exhausted from the chaotic atmosphere alone. I am ashamed to say my visits became shorter and less frequent.

Over the years our phone calls together were usually more like counseling sessions. Rick was working too much and when he did get off early he went out with friends for a few drinks. Then he’d come home in a bad mood. She was driving the kids all over town, cleaning, cooking, helping with homework and making lunches. She wanted to get out of the house and work again, but there was too much to do. She refused to hear that the kids were getting old enough to pick up after themselves or make their own lunches. "You don’t understand, its just easier if I do it myself", she’d always tell me. "It becomes a big argument if I try to get someone else to do anything around here." Kaye didn’t realize she was setting unhealthy patterns in place. It wasn’t good for her kids, her husband or herself. To top it off she thought getting a pet would help keep the kids occupied. She had now added to her daily chores. Of course the kids weren’t going to take care of a pet, they were used to having mom do everything.

That’s when talk of divorce came into the picture. It was first brought up by Rick. Kaye called me in tears. What was she going to do, they had just had another baby, she was out of the workforce for so long she couldn’t possibly support herself and Rick was so miserable she couldn’t stand to be around him anymore.

They were going to leave the kids at her in-law’s for the weekend, go away together and talk about it. When they got home she called me and told me everything was ok, they talked, had a great vacation and were going to work it out. Less than a week later they were back to their old routine of fighting, working long hours and taking care of the kids.

Over the years this pattern continued. One or the other would bring up divorce, they would have a nice weekend getaway then try to reconcile, always to fall back into their old habits. Do you see where I am going with this? Kaye had set herself up for failure by trying to do to much. All she ever wanted was to be a loving wife and homemaker and a super mom; so she thought. In trying to do so, she lost herself. She is now trying to play "catch up" with her life and having a rough go of it. Now that two of her children are in or near their teens she has to start teaching them to be more self-sufficient. She has recently re-entered the work force and is enjoying being out of the house during the week.

Her and Rick continue to have problems though. He had indicated to her that he had fallen out of love and still wants a divorce. Kaye is trying to work on her marriage, but realizes she also needs to work on herself. It can be difficult to hang onto your own identity AND have a relationship. But it doesn't have to come down to a choice between staying in the relationship and losing your identity, or ending the relationship and rediscovering who you are. Here are some suggestions on how to keep your identity and not fall into an unhealthy pattern of losing yourself trying to please everyone else around you.

1.) Do you mean no when you say yes? Once you're clear on what you want from th

elationships, but what happens when your role becomes your life.

Let me use my friend Kaye as an example. Kaye and Rick have been married for over 15 years. They have a nice house, three children 5, 9 and 14, two dogs, two cat’s and a bird. After the birth of their first child, Kaye decided she wanted to quit her job of 5 years and stay home to raise their son. Rick was an electrician and just started his own business, even though things were a little tight, they got by. Then came their daughter. Rick felt pressure to bring home a larger paycheck and Kaye had taken on more responsibility at home.

Usually my visits to Kaye were a great time, she was one of the funniest and kindest people I had ever met. After the children I noticed a dramatic difference in her. Instead of laughing, talking and taking a moment to sit back enjoy the day, Kaye was constantly up and down, from room to room, checking on the kids and picking up around the house. Sitting down for brief moments only to comment on how tired she was. She would have to get dinner started shortly, and frankly I would be exhausted from the chaotic atmosphere alone. I am ashamed to say my visits became shorter and less frequent.

Over the years our phone calls together were usually more like counseling sessions. Rick was working too much and when he did get off early he went out with friends for a few drinks. Then he’d come home in a bad mood. She was driving the kids all over town, cleaning, cooking, helping with homework and making lunches. She wanted to get out of the house and work again, but there was too much to do. She refused to hear that the kids were getting old enough to pick up after themselves or make their own lunches. "You don’t understand, its just easier if I do it myself", she’d always tell me. "It becomes a big argument if I try to get someone else to do anything around here." Kaye didn’t realize she was setting unhealthy patterns in place. It wasn’t good for her kids, her husband or herself. To top it off she thought getting a pet would help keep the kids occupied. She had now added to her daily chores. Of course the kids weren’t going to take care of a pet, they were used to having mom do everything.

That’s when talk of divorce came into the picture. It was first brought up by Rick. Kaye called me in tears. What was she going to do, they had just had another baby, she was out of the workforce for so long she couldn’t possibly support herself and Rick was so miserable she couldn’t stand to be around him anymore.

They were going to leave the kids at her in-law’s for the weekend, go away together and talk about it. When they got home she called me and told me everything was ok, they talked, had a great vacation and were going to work it out. Less than a week later they were back to their old routine of fighting, working long hours and taking care of the kids.

Over the years this pattern continued. One or the other would bring up divorce, they would have a nice weekend getaway then try to reconcile, always to fall back into their old habits. Do you see where I am going with this? Kaye had set herself up for failure by trying to do to much. All she ever wanted was to be a loving wife and homemaker and a super mom; so she thought. In trying to do so, she lost herself. She is now trying to play "catch up" with her life and having a rough go of it. Now that two of her children are in or near their teens she has to start teaching them to be more self-sufficient. She has recently re-entered the work force and is enjoying being out of the house during the week.

Her and Rick continue to have problems though. He had indicated to her that he had fallen out of love and still wants a divorce. Kaye is trying to work on her marriage, but realizes she also needs to work on herself. It can be difficult to hang onto your own identity AND have a relationship. But it doesn't have to come down to a choice between staying in the relationship and losing your identity, or ending the relationship and rediscovering who you are. Here are some suggestions on how to keep your identity and not fall into an unhealthy pattern of losing yourself trying to please everyone else around you.

1.) Do you mean no when you say yes? Once you're clear on what you want from t

frankly I would be exhausted from the chaotic atmosphere alone. I am ashamed to say my visits became shorter and less frequent.

Over the years our phone calls together were usually more like counseling sessions. Rick was working too much and when he did get off early he went out with friends for a few drinks. Then he’d come home in a bad mood. She was driving the kids all over town, cleaning, cooking, helping with homework and making lunches. She wanted to get out of the house and work again, but there was too much to do. She refused to hear that the kids were getting old enough to pick up after themselves or make their own lunches. "You don’t understand, its just easier if I do it myself", she’d always tell me. "It becomes a big argument if I try to get someone else to do anything around here." Kaye didn’t realize she was setting unhealthy patterns in place. It wasn’t good for her kids, her husband or herself. To top it off she thought getting a pet would help keep the kids occupied. She had now added to her daily chores. Of course the kids weren’t going to take care of a pet, they were used to having mom do everything.

That’s when talk of divorce came into the picture. It was first brought up by Rick. Kaye called me in tears. What was she going to do, they had just had another baby, she was out of the workforce for so long she couldn’t possibly support herself and Rick was so miserable she couldn’t stand to be around him anymore.

They were going to leave the kids at her in-law’s for the weekend, go away together and talk about it. When they got home she called me and told me everything was ok, they talked, had a great vacation and were going to work it out. Less than a week later they were back to their old routine of fighting, working long hours and taking care of the kids.

Over the years this pattern continued. One or the other would bring up divorce, they would have a nice weekend getaway then try to reconcile, always to fall back into their old habits. Do you see where I am going with this? Kaye had set herself up for failure by trying to do to much. All she ever wanted was to be a loving wife and homemaker and a super mom; so she thought. In trying to do so, she lost herself. She is now trying to play "catch up" with her life and having a rough go of it. Now that two of her children are in or near their teens she has to start teaching them to be more self-sufficient. She has recently re-entered the work force and is enjoying being out of the house during the week.

Her and Rick continue to have problems though. He had indicated to her that he had fallen out of love and still wants a divorce. Kaye is trying to work on her marriage, but realizes she also needs to work on herself. It can be difficult to hang onto your own identity AND have a relationship. But it doesn't have to come down to a choice between staying in the relationship and losing your identity, or ending the relationship and rediscovering who you are. Here are some suggestions on how to keep your identity and not fall into an unhealthy pattern of losing yourself trying to please everyone else around you.

1.) Do you mean no when you say yes? Once you're clear on what you want from t

take care of a pet, they were used to having mom do everything.

That’s when talk of divorce came into the picture. It was first brought up by Rick. Kaye called me in tears. What was she going to do, they had just had another baby, she was out of the workforce for so long she couldn’t possibly support herself and Rick was so miserable she couldn’t stand to be around him anymore.

They were going to leave the kids at her in-law’s for the weekend, go away together and talk about it. When they got home she called me and told me everything was ok, they talked, had a great vacation and were going to work it out. Less than a week later they were back to their old routine of fighting, working long hours and taking care of the kids.

Over the years this pattern continued. One or the other would bring up divorce, they would have a nice weekend getaway then try to reconcile, always to fall back into their old habits. Do you see where I am going with this? Kaye had set herself up for failure by trying to do to much. All she ever wanted was to be a loving wife and homemaker and a super mom; so she thought. In trying to do so, she lost herself. She is now trying to play "catch up" with her life and having a rough go of it. Now that two of her children are in or near their teens she has to start teaching them to be more self-sufficient. She has recently re-entered the work force and is enjoying being out of the house during the week.

Her and Rick continue to have problems though. He had indicated to her that he had fallen out of love and still wants a divorce. Kaye is trying to work on her marriage, but realizes she also needs to work on herself. It can be difficult to hang onto your own identity AND have a relationship. But it doesn't have to come down to a choice between staying in the relationship and losing your identity, or ending the relationship and rediscovering who you are. Here are some suggestions on how to keep your identity and not fall into an unhealthy pattern of losing yourself trying to please everyone else around you.

1.) Do you mean no when you say yes? Once you're clear on what you want from t

d homemaker and a super mom; so she thought. In trying to do so, she lost herself. She is now trying to play "catch up" with her life and having a rough go of it. Now that two of her children are in or near their teens she has to start teaching them to be more self-sufficient. She has recently re-entered the work force and is enjoying being out of the house during the week.

Her and Rick continue to have problems though. He had indicated to her that he had fallen out of love and still wants a divorce. Kaye is trying to work on her marriage, but realizes she also needs to work on herself. It can be difficult to hang onto your own identity AND have a relationship. But it doesn't have to come down to a choice between staying in the relationship and losing your identity, or ending the relationship and rediscovering who you are. Here are some suggestions on how to keep your identity and not fall into an unhealthy pattern of losing yourself trying to please everyone else around you.

1.) Do you mean no when you say yes? Once you're clear on what you want from the relationship, and from other aspects of your life, it will become easer to say no to things that are not going to move you towards your chosen path. So often, one partner falls into the habit of humoring the other, and agreeing to their requests because it's simply easier than making waves or having constant arguments. Learning to say no can be the most rewarding thing in the world. You may not even realize that you've been bending to the wishes of everyone else for as long as you can remember. After you've gotten over the shock of asserting your OWN desires, you'll find that it's exhilarating to be back in control of your time and to have strong input into the direction of your life.

2.) Talk to your partner about your progress and inquire about how he's doing as he moves towards his own goals. This will help to reinforce the message that you have dreams as individuals and as a partnership, and that both kinds must be supported by each of you.

3.) Find out who you are and what makes you unique. You will come to realize that your value and worth as a person is not necessarily dependent on having a significant other in your life, that you can function well as an independent person. When you start accepting yourself for who you are you will be able to accept others for who they are; your relationships will have a chance to grow and you can both become emotionally mature adults able to give freely out of choice and flourish in your new found freedom. This journey of self-discovery can be challenging and painful but highly rewarding.